One Chainsaw Man Fan Calculated How Long You’d Survive Sex With Angel Devil Before Suffering From Twink Death

With Chainsaw Man — The Movie: Reze Arc sitting at the number one spot in the U.S., drawing rave reviews and IMAX box office buzz, anime’s bold leap into the mainstream has never felt more confident or surprising. For legacy outlets and casual moviegoers alike, the challenge with Chainsaw Man isn’t so much reviewing the film and anime’s signature mix of graphic violence and grief as figuring out how to interpret its overt horniness. And I’ve been loving every second seeing it on my timeline. 

One Rotten Tomatoes critic quote from New York Times writer Nicholas Rapold’s review—“It’s hard not to feel limited by the character’s somewhat stunted psychology”—while taken out of context from its otherwise glowing review (as it often happens), reads like a shrug from someone who simply doesn’t understand the complexities of Denji’s process of turning his inverted hierarchical pyramid upright in his long, slow coming-of-age story to separate physicality and sex from emotional love. 

Yet, Rapold’s passing sentiment is a common refrain many fans grapple with when they first start the series. As YouTuber MoistCr1tikal pointed out, the question of whether Chainsaw Man is an anime about a horny teenager or a horny anime about a teenager is an age-old debate that’s answered simply: yes to both. But the depravity of Chainsaw Man goes far deeper than Rotten Tomatoes’ cherry-picked pull quote from Rapold or the confines of Reze Arc’s stark nudity. Beneath Denji’s slow journey toward emotional literacy, which reviewers (including myself) have tried to capture in their reviews, lies a fandom that’s long since abandoned restraint. 

At their most peevish, they bark at Makima’s appearance in theaters. At their most exasperating, they “wish that were me,” like South Park characters and boil down the adult women manipulating the 16-year-old protagonist with sex to “simping.” Truly, the stunted psychology of Chainsaw Man fans might rival that of the hero. But I want to highlight how shipping—the great equalizer of depravity in any fandom—turns one glorious act of depravity into the primo example of how deep into the delinquent abyss Chainsaw Man fans can truly go in a vastly more positive light than the usual fair for the fandom scaring the hoes (read: normies). 

My favorite examples of unhinged feats from the Chainsaw Man fandom are one unsung fan’s attempt to do the math (literally) and determine how long the average anime fan can raw dog the series’ resident cherub, Angel Devil, before dying.

Light series spoilers for that.

In a previous blog post in which I rightly stated that Chainsaw Man is better than the Bible, I explained that a Devil’s strength depends on humanity’s fear of the concept they embody. Falling Devils, Bomb Devils, and STD Devils are all real entities that exist in Chainsaw Man. One odd man out in the Devil pantheon is Angel Devil, a devil who looks more like a lil guy than a freakish homunculus. Angel Devil’s whole deal is that your lifespan is shortened the longer you make physical contact with him. Angel Devil works alongside Denji, specifically his roommate Aki Hayakawa, to hunt devils. Despite their limited screentime, fans strongly ship the straight-laced Aki and the innocent Angel Devil. They have their own ship name, AkiAngel. Plus, the whole cannot touch aspect of their partnership fits well with monster-fucker fantasies. Sony’s marketing team has been leaning into that, hyping up their relationship despite their limited screentime, much to the delight of AkiAngel fans. 

Toward the climax of the film, Aki and Angel Devil are on the brink of getting caught up in the chaos of Denji and Shark Devil’s battle with Bomb Devil and Typhoon Devil. Instead of letting Angel Devil go, Aki pulls him close, clutching his hand as the chaos level of a disaster film like Rolland Emmerich tears through Japan. It’s a cute shipper moment in both the manga and the anime. But one fan was laser-focused on their brief contact, which lasted over 3 seconds, cutting 2 months from the 2 years Aki has left to live, and reverse-engineering how long the average anime fan could spend recreating the creature with two backs with Angel Devil before dying. 

In the post, the fan, whose origin point in a sea of reposts on Twitter and Reddit about it is lost to time, hypothesized from chapter 50 of Chainsaw Man that the three seconds Aki touched Angel Devil, that a year of a person’s total lifespan would be depleted from physically touching Angel Devil for 18 seconds. Taking this knowledge from Tatsuki Fujimoto to its logical exaggeration, answering the question on every fan’s mind three years ago, crunched the numbers, concocting an equation for how long you could bump uglies with Angel Devil before meeting God. 

They arrived at their equation by taking the average male life expectancy is 72.75 worldwide (now 75.8 years, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention—go men!), subtracting from the average age of anime fans of 18 to 25, they estimated that the average viewer has around 47.75 to 54.75 years to spare to touch Angel Devil. 

For clarity, the Angel Devil Porking Life Equation is: the average male lifespan minus your current age, multiplied by 18 seconds, then divided by 60 to get the exact minutes. 

Using my age this year as an example, along with the updated male life expectancy, that equation looks like this:

75.8 - 29 = 46.8 years to spare

46.8 years to spare x 18 seconds =  828 seconds

828 seconds ÷ 60 = 13.8 minutes. 

So by my calculations, I’d get roughly 14 minutes with Angel Devil to, as the nameless fan so eloquently put it, “pound that angel bussy straight” before my lifespan taps out. While that’s not a lot to boast about, it’s undoubtedly more than Aki can say, given he’s got less than two years left post-Reze Arc. Could you wear protection and forgo the whole life-draining phenomenon entirely? Sure. But where’s the doomed romance in that? Sometimes you raw dog a life-sapping twink not for survival, but for the love of the game. 

Chainsaw Man fans, at the height of their passion, are dedicated enough in their depravity to do the math on how long characters can have sex. This is a crucial fact for anyone to know as anime movies continue to take over the box office: your fellow audience members are likely deranged.