According to a recent preview from Game Informer, Grand Theft Auto VI will contain over 170 animal species—more than most games specifically about animals. IGN, meanwhile, has taken what I can only imagine were great pains to identify a sizable chunk of that roster. In the interest of contributing our own spice to this extremely important journalistic stew, we will now tell you which of those animals are best (and worst).
- Cats
They’re perfect! I just spent thousands of dollars to drag mine back from the brink of death! I’m basically obligated to give them the number one spot!
- Dogs
Basically tied with cats. Energetic, fun-loving, impressively in touch with human emotions. Cats and dogs are the apples and oranges of animals. Can’t go wrong with the classics.
- Sea Turtles
They’ve been around for 110 million years! The accomplishments of humanity pale in comparison.
- Jellyfish
They can learn and remember despite having no brains. It’s really cool!
- Alligators
Big, green.
- Whales
Big, whale-colored.
- Nine-banded armadillos
An armored mammal, which is already sick enough, but this variety of armadillo—sadly unable to roll itself up into a ball—can traverse rivers by “inflating its intestines and floating.” Alternatively, it can just let itself sink and walk along the riverbed, because it can hold its breath for up to six minutes. You’ve gotta respect it.
- Beavers
Nature’s builders. Industrious, clever. Just cool little guys.
- Manatees
Big and sleepy, with endearingly friendly faces. Also, they can live for up to 60 years!
- Bobcats
Some of the best ears in the game (GTA and real life), but loses points because I’m not able to keep one in my home (definitely in real life, we’ll see about GTA).
- Deer
Cute despite being kinda funny looking. But also… mysterious.
- Monkeys
They’ve got cool little hands.
- Raccoons
They’ve also got cool little hands.
- Otters
They’ve got cool little wet hands.
- Cane Toads
On one hand, a devastatingly successful invasive species, especially in Australia (sorry, Luke). On the other hand, Toadzilla.
- Pelicans
What that beak do?
- Spoonbills
What that beak do?
- Boars
A violent pig for a violent era.
- Cougar
Not my favorite of the big cats on merits, but it’s got some cool ties to indigenous culture.
- Eels
Sea freaks with sharp teeth and weird eyes. Did you know that regular eels and electric eels evolved their shapes independently? It’s true!
- Fish
They have fins, live under water—all that jazz. Perfectly fine. Great for eating, but you can’t taste things through a video game.
- Iguanas
The pet lizard your one quirky friend has.
- Ducks
The common pond fowl. Not much to see here.
- Woodpeckers
Background noise.
- Snakes
Often associated with deception when, in reality, they spend most of their time napping under rocks. Not all that exciting unless they’re poisoning you.
- Cranes
Long necked, prolific eaters. I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse.
- Flamingoes
Show offs.
- Eagles
Overrated bird. Wouldn’t be famous if not for America’s fixation on it.
- Storks
Notable largely because of the whole baby delivery myth. Otherwise they fail to elicit strong emotion.
- Seagulls
“All seagulls are boys. A girl wouldn’t do that.”
- Squirrels
They sure are around.
- Pigeons
They sure are around (city edition).
- Sharks
A five-year-old’s conception of cool. I never want to hear about Shark Week again.
- Dolphins
Are they assholes? Are they not? I don’t know, I’m tired.
- Man
Obviously.
Recommended
Nathan Grayson
