Kotaku, which some have called a website, just wrapped up a theme week, Warp Week, in which its writers excavated gaming’s past (read: the year 2002) “with stories about big games, events, and moments as if we were reliving them.” Even though Aftermath invented theme weeks, we don’t plan to sue them about this. Instead, we’re going to one-up Kotaku by leaping forward into the future to evaluate its blogs about the past.
Hi everybody, it’s me, Nathan from the future. I recall Warp Week, albeit vaguely, so it’ll be fun to take a walk down memory lane. Where to begin:
Critics Adore Super Mario Sunshine: ‘My Apartment Is In Shambles. Mario Has Arrived’
This is a fun concept, pulling from old reviews not just to reflect on what critics of the time thought of a series dark horse, but also how they talked about games in an era that was pre-social media but beginning to move beyond magazines. Speaking of sunshine, I remember when we could go outside without being incinerated by the ravages of climate change. Those were the days.
GameStop Raises $325 Million In IPO As Barnes & Noble Bets Big On Video Games
This one’s amusing, considering what happened to GameStop in the long run (rendered obsolete by digital games, eventually turned into Wall Street bros’ plaything, obliterated by Godzilla in 2032). And that Kotick quote is maybe the most of-its-time thing I’ve ever read. By the way, neither here nor there, but I actually live inside the abandoned remains of a GameStop these days. I hide behind a gigantic Funko Pop display any time The Sentries patrol by. Even they hate those soulless little things. Isn’t that funny?
I Can’t Believe They’re Already Making A Sequel To Golden Sun, The Best Game Boy Advance RPG
Still waiting for this game’s interminable dialogue to end in 2036. Got ‘em.
It’s Time To Give Mario A Gun
They actually did end up giving Mario a gun in 2034. Turned the NYC Nintendo Store Mario-on-a-flagpole statue into a turret emplacement. Full 360 degrees of motion and everything. Resistance leader Zohran Mamdani (you all might know him as “mayor”) made great use of it during the pivotal battle of World New York War III. That was the last we ever saw of him…
The 12 Best Video Games Of 2002
Where’s Ratchet And Clank? The Gamecube version of Resident Evil? Jet Set Radio Future, which we call Jet Set Radio Distant Past here in the actual future? Awful list.
Judge Throws Out ‘Mortal Kombat Stabbing’ Lawsuit On Free Speech Grounds
Remember when people used to seriously argue about whether or not video games caused violence? Such quaint times. No, the real cause of violence is capitalism. That and the brain parasites that infected rats’ minds in 2029—and then our minds in 2030, allowing the rats to pilot us just like in, yes, Ratatouille. I know it sounds funny when I write it out, but it’s actually very tragic.
I Think Kingdom Hearts Is Going To Change The World
This makes me want to blast “Simple And Clean” by Hikaru Utada, an all-time banger of a theme song matched (but neither exceeded nor defeated) by “Sanctuary” from Kingdom Hearts 2. But of course music is illegal now and has been for several years. Maybe if I play it really, really quietly…
[Is immediately lasered into a pile of ash by Sentries.]
