'Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang Had An Affair With A Chinese Spy' Is A Headline I Have Tried And Failed To Make Any Funnier

After an October report in which the New York Times kinda pointed at Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang and said he could have had a "close personal relationship" with someone who might have been a "Chinese intelligence asset", Huang has today released a statement confirming that he--one of the most powerful people on Earth, and one of the men most responsible for our current AI-powered hellscape--has indeed been having an affair with a Chinese spy.

The statement, published on Nvidia's site, reads:

I owe my family and all of you an apology.

I was unfaithful to my wife. My actions hurt her and our children. There is no excuse for what I did. I am deeply sorry.

Throughout my life, my family has given me love and support. They deserve my honesty and loyalty. Instead, I let them down and damaged the life we built together. I take full responsibility for what I did and the hurt I caused, and I accept the criticism that comes with it.

To my wife and family: I love you. I know an apology cannot undo what I have done. I hope our family will heal and that, over time, I can earn back your trust. 

To my colleagues at NVIDIA, including those I have worked alongside for decades, and to our board, partners, and shareholders around the world: you deserve better from me. Leading NVIDIA is the privilege of my life. My responsibility is to serve you and be worthy of your trust. I have fallen short of that responsibility. I am fully committed to NVIDIA and will work to earn back your confidence.

Regarding the national security concerns raised in news reports, NVIDIA’s Board of Directors has initiated an independent investigation. I support the investigation and will cooperate fully. I love our country and our company. I am committed to protecting NVIDIA and supporting America’s national security. I am proud and grateful to be an American.

My family bears no responsibility for my choices. I do. Please give them privacy.

Jensen

Hahahah. My guy, you are one of the richest people on the planet, you are right at the tip of the spear of tech's attempts to turn this planet into one giant Wall-E leisure deck, and you think this is about your wife? That's between you and your family. For everyone else, you were "unfaithful" with a Chinese spy! You're accused of sharing business secrets so important they've become national security secrets! Your own company is now having to launch an investigation into this, because you're accused of spilling stuff to someone who fed it directly to Beijing!

We should all be shocked that such a rich and powerful person could be so stupid, but then Jensen Huang--like so many other tech executives--has always been a ripe target for bullying, because being "powerful" isn't the same thing as being "smart".

As an example: the New York Times was clear to point out that Nvidia's CEO had no idea the Chinese operative in question--a fellow tech executive known as Alice Huang or Huang Le--was a spy. She, a citizen of the country in most direct competition with the United States for AI supremacy, just happened to be really into him! For his looks, maybe. Or maybe his jackets.

Hideo Kojima's Commitment To Acronym Jackets Remains Undefeated

As does Jensen Huang's commitment to looking like a huge dork

AftermathLuke Plunkett

Because tech executives are unable to face consequences for their actions, Huang is going to remain CEO while the internal investigation--which is being "assisted by outside independent counsel"--takes place.