Welcome, everyone, to the arena! It is once more time to pit two of 2023's biggest video games against each other, and once more time to see which one emerges victorious to move onto the next round of Aftermath's Video Game Deathmatch.
That winner will move one step closer to a shot at glory. The loser? They're toast. Get out of here, you bum. Last time out we saw Idris Elba break a makeout deadlock with a fancy jacket; what surprises will our match tonight have in store?
First, though, some admin: here are the rules, in case you need reminding. There are 16 games in the mix for Game of the Year 2023. We're pitting them against each other in a knockout tournament. But we're not pitting the games themselves against each other; instead, we're selecting a Champion from in or around each game and having them duke it out in the arena of fiction in hand-to-hand (or weapon-to-weapon, or hand-to-weapon) combat. The winner, decided via a schoolyard "would Batman beat Superman" style debate, moves on. The loser does not. Here's how things stand after four bouts:
Enough talk. Onto the bloodsport! Tonight will see Armored Hold Me Please God Core VI take on Hogwarts Legacy. The former's Champion will be none other than the colossal mechanised combat unit AAP07: BALTEUS. Its opponent will be author JK Rowling.
Luke: In the time it would take her to open up her phone and like a single transphobic tweet, Balteus has obliterated JK Rowling from above with a missile barrage.
Nathan: And then stomped all over her remains.
Chris: Imagining an Itano Circus being volleyed into Rowling’s palatial estate in Pudding-On-Babitshire or wherever the hell she lives, it’s over.
Riley: Yeah, this one definitely goes to the mech.
WINNER: ARMORED CORE VI
Wow, that one was short. No refunds, sorry! Balteus will now take on Idris Elba in the quarter finals.
Note: This story originally referred to Balteus as the AAP07A variation, which does not have a missile attack. We meant the AAP07, which does. Aftermath regrets the error.
