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Games Henry Kissinger Will Never Get To Play (Because He’s Dead Now)

Bummer!

Ubisoft

Last night Henry Kissinger, a gamer of sorts, passed away at the ripe old age of 100, or infinity in people-who-should-never-have-been-alive-in-the-first-place years. That in mind, what better time than the present — now measurably better than the past — to list some highly anticipated games Kissinger will never get a chance to play, because he is most assuredly in hell.

Grand Theft Auto 6

GTA 6 is likely the reason Kissinger, an even bigger piece of shit than GTA 5’s Trevor, was still clinging to life, but then Starfield ended up being so mid that it killed him. Kissinger nearly made it across the finish line, too; Rockstar plans to debut a trailer of what is perhaps the most anticipated video game ever in early December. Sadly, Kissinger will never see it, because he is in hell now.

The Next Assassin’s Creed

Henry Kissinger, one of history’s most notorious war criminals, was canonically a stain on the face of humanity in Assassin’s Creed, as well. Specifically, in 2010’s Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, it’s revealed that Kissinger was in cahoots with the series’ villainous Templar faction during his time in power under Nixon and Ford, during which – among numerous other atrocities that led to the deaths of millions – he carried out a secret four-year bombing campaign in Cambodia from which the nation still struggles to recover. What a shame that Kissinger will not get to find out if the series ends up commemorating his death as well as his life, because he is in hell, where he belongs, finally, being force fed landmines. 

The Elder Scrolls VI

The Elder Scrolls VI, Bethesda’s long-awaited followup to the most-released video game in history, Skyrim, is still a long way off. However, I feel pretty safe in saying that it will probably be a video game, and they don’t have video games in hell. Instead, the Bible says that hell is a “blazing furnace” full of evildoers doomed to wander in a state of nightmarish separation from all they’ve ever cared about, and that “the smoke from their torture will go up forever and ever, and those who worship the beast and his image will have no rest day or night.” So at least Kissinger won’t be bored!

Hollow Knight: Silksong 

In my head canon, this game has taken so long to come out because its developers were trying to make sure Henry Kissinger never, ever, ever got a chance to play it. Good news, Team Cherry: Kissinger is dead! Dead and in hell! Not just rotting, but experiencing unimaginable pain commensurate with his sins, which are greater than those of most people who have ever lived. You can even release Silksong 2 now, if you really want. Trust me: He’s not coming back. 

Hades 2

Hades 2, like the first Hades, will be set in hell. Woefully, however, its multilayered, charismatic cast of characters is fictional, and Kissinger is neither the son of Hades himself nor a giant three-headed dog. Instead of boldly dash-attacking his way to the surface in search of his long lost mother or starting a polycule, he will likely just shit himself to death every hour on the hour – though again, remember that he’s being force fed landmines, so what comes out is going to be a fascinating learning experience for all involved, to say the least.

The Witcher 4  

It’s entirely possible, you know, that hell does not exist. Perhaps all that awaits us beyond the split-second eye blink that is life is an inky black abyss. But hey, Kissinger got there before any of us. We still get to breathe air and watch sunsets. Meanwhile, dude’s worm food, and he can’t even perceive that worms are eating him. Or maybe he can! Either way, absolutely sucks to be him right now. 

Final Fantasy VII Rebirth

This one’s coming out in February. Oof, he just missed it.

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