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I Am Fine With The Robot Spider

I do not hate him! We're cool

4:02 PM EST on January 24, 2024

Blizzard

I haven’t played much Diablo IV since the game came out last year, since the long-forgotten days when you had to hack your Steam Deck (by installing some very basic software) to run it instead of just downloading it from Steam. But I have to admit that I’m intrigued by the new Season of the Construct that just kicked off, largely because it bequeaths unto all players a little robot spider companion to help battle Hell’s hordes. Normally, when faced with a spider, I’d side with the demons. But I’m good with this little guy.

I have numerous theories as to why this is – tomes of notes on top of enough theories to make your head spin – but, and work with me on this, it’s clearly because he’s a robot. Apologies in advance for the technical terminology I’m about to throw around, but normal spiders are icky. Millions, perhaps even billions, of people agree with me. I'm willing to bet that at least a few spiders do, as well. Recent games like Star Wars Jedi: Survivor and Grounded even feature arachnophobia modes that allow you to make spiders less spider-y should their presence prevent you from exploring the vastness of the cosmos and your parents’ backyard, respectively.

The biggest ick-ing point for me isn’t spiders’ spindly little legs, but instead their organic exteriors – their chitinous exoskeletons that can sprout hair and eyes and other things that I have, but which on them strike me as forgeries. I know this is a very humanoid-centric worldview – for all I know, god is a spider, and even Heaven will be Hell for me – but I am only expressing how I feel. 

Replace those appendages with robot parts and maybe a crystal here or there, and we’re gucci. It’s a simple fix, one that would go a long way toward making up for Blizzard’s past spider-based crimes if Diablo IV did not contain this thing, which has been teaming up with my intrusive thoughts to hatch nasty little schemes in my mind ever since I first learned about it in 2021. Still, it’s something. I appreciate the robot spider, and I will probably reinstall Diablo IV so that I can hang out with it. 

That said, upon second glance, could we maybe remove a leg or two?

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